Ladies, Ask me how I lost 162lbs in a week.

I literally lost a whole person, lol. I gave up on the young man I was dating because the relationship was draining all my energy. It was a very hard thing to do but I feel revived, and like a tremendous "weight" is lifted from me. I've been praying on this for a while and God finally revealed to me what I needed to do. I know that if I let go, I can move and be more content with my life.

I feel like I deserve better. I want someone to build a future with, but I need someone who appreciates me and respects me and is willing to put some effort into a relationship. My heart really was into him, but my head was telling me he wasn't a good match for me. I begin dating him during a time of uncertainty in my life, where I was still discovering myself. The whole entire time I was with him I had doubts about my future such as where am I going to work for the long term?, am I going to grad school?, what will I study in grad school?. However, now that I am more sure of my future, I am certainly positive that he does not have a spot in it.

He is a nice young man by some standards and would make someone a great husband one day, if he gets it together, but I can't settle for barely no communication or conversation unless, he needs my support on something. He barely took me out on dates and I felt I was not his speed because I'm celibate, so I guess I wasn't worth his effort. But I'm so glad I held onto my principles.

The kicker for me was no acknowledgment for Valentines, in fact he went to a party with exotic dancers on Valentine's weekend. People keep telling me its a phase some young men go through, but guess what? Its a phase I don't want to tolerate in my life. I DON'T want that type of man. I want a nice, calm man, who has respect for himself and the women in his life. I want to a date someone who is husband material, someone who is at least a good friend. Anything less will not do. Anything else is a waste of my time, and a waste of space in my heart.I'm so glad I waited until I was this age to start seriously dating because now I have a much better vision of the relationship I want to be in.

I finally let go of this relationship and I feel like I'm 20 feet tall, now that I'm not cowering and comprising my heart to someone who wasn't ready for a relationship. I just appreciate myself so much more. In 2011 I'm doing an inventory of the people in my life and I'm spending less time and energy on people that drain me and don't contribute to my well-being.

This is a song that describes my mood. I just feel good like the vibe in this song by Maysa called "Compliments".

Pulse

Here is a snippet of a poem I'm working on that describes my attitude towards life, called Pulse

Pulse

I want to experience life for myself. I want to live in its pulse.
I want to feel my feet tread over its heartbeat.
I want to dance life in my hips and
speak it from my lips.
My heartbeat longs to be
 in tune to life's pulse,
without it I'm just a lovedrunk, star struck,
diamond in the rough, dancing off beat.

But more than anything, I want to move in tune
with the rhythms of love and happiness
under my feet ,whether its In a Sentimental Mood, like Miles and Coltrane.

Even if its being a diva like Aretha, belting out, "Rock Steady baby"
 and maybe even a little Erykah Badu, screaming, ' I want you....."
"in the worst kind of way, way, way, way....I want you..."

maybe even having fun like Chaka Khan, "All night and day just drifting away....
but whatcha gonna do for me, when the going gets rough, boy".

I want the life that God meant for me,
like a blue jay living in a tree,
free of its cage,
grasping in what the Angels know,
and pulsing on God's hope.

Kujichagulia, Self Determination in 2011

 I am so excited for 2011,  and not for what it will bring to me, BUT for What I Can Bring To It. One of the principles of Kwanzaa is Kujichagulia, or Self Determination and that is what I am focusing on this year. I am learning that in order to be successful and happy you have to define success on your own terms and not by others definitions, because you could never ever please everyone and you shouldn't try. Instead do what you know is right and welcome other people's input, but don't let them define your life.

For so much of my life I was successful academically and I listened to other people tell me, who they thought I was, and tell me what they wanted and  what they expected from me. But now in 2011 I feel like I am living life on my own terms. I am living by my own definition of success and by that I am learning that I don't have to go to Princeton or Yale or the fanciest grad school,  and I don't have to drive a Lexus Mercedes or have a nfl player husband to be happy or successful. Regardless of what your stature in life, success is being happy and content when you come home at the end of the day.

I am finally on a path, that I have put much consideration and thought into and I am applying to start graduate school in the fall, along with that I am also applying for a fellowship working with at-risk youth. Initially, I was only applying for law school, but I  realized I can help at-risk youth in other ways. I can work as a lawyer or policy advocate, or I can work to educate them. Either way, I know I will be happy and satisfied with my career field. But I am expanding my options.

My goal in life is to be a poltical figure or a policy advocate, but I am realizing it won't happen overnight and it may take 20 or 30 years, but I am determined to navigate my ship and enjoy my journey. I am now starting to appreciate my talents and recognize my weaknesses. I am learning to go with the path that God has for me, instead of chasing someone else's dream. I do not compare myself to others as much, but I am focused on being the best I can be. That might mean one of my friends could end up being a high-powered business woman, but I might end up being an educator or a public defender, and that is perfectly fine. I have to follow what I am good at, in order to be happy. 

In 2011 I have a much clearer vision for my future than before. It is crucial to be able to foresee or envision what you want out of life and to take the necessary steps to make it happen.  "Where there is clarity of VISION, there is acceleration towards your goals. you MUST be clear and concise on what you envision and meditate on it day and night until it becomes so real on the inside of YOU that is has not other choice but to come out of YOU! " - MARK STERLING

Also check out my poem "Pulse"